Honestly, I have a running tact-detector and manipulation-detector when I talk to people.

I’m listening to lo-fi now.

P was so cold. I felt so anxious talking to him. This is not the first time for me to deal with passive aggression. I had mirtazpine last night, ended up napping and eating heaps today, so yeah this conversation I had with him is not something I wanted to have coming. This conversation I had with him made feel like that suppressed sort of fucked up. Like I’m being dunked into water but then feeling awake from it. So, all that anxiety I had pent up, I kinda relieved it all because of him.

“Know it all”, I wasn’t the only one making intuitive jumps. But he was right, I should’ve let go on the depression bit. It was slightly tactless, but then it was really the circumstances that made me accidentally overdo it. He wasn’t exactly tactful either. At least I got so many more things right than he did, so I win. I could tell that his tone was cold and withdrawn and capable of being manipulative from way before, and I was proven right because he told me he feels like a sociopath sometimes.

“You talk like someone who’s still developing maturity”, that I agree a lot, but he’s not really in the position to judge me. It really doesn’t seem like he’s all that mature to me too. Manipulation is a sign of emotional immaturity in so many ways. Whether he notices it or not, he was basically inducing conflict every two sentences, that’s subtle shaming manipulation. He has too much tact so it’s likely he’s aware of what he’s doing to an extent.

A told me this “you seem all innocent on the outside but you’re actually evil”. She meant that I’m a lot more calculative than what people think with the evil part. I’m genuinely kind, but I’m not that naive. I’m straightforward but I also try to see the nuances behind words and intentions from others, and will adapt to it. This is why I found P similar in a way. However, I’m a lot kinder than he is. A told me “扮豬吃老虎” suits me well, and I don’t know if I want to take that as a compliment or not, it also seems like an overstatement.

So hostility masked behind diplomacy is how P expressed passive aggressiveness. Well same and not the same. I did things like that. Two times. One with S and one with M. I was just straightforward and blunt with my anger but at the same time, I had an anxiety attack that time and I just lashed out on words, uncontrollably, stupidly. Second time I was just poking vulnerabilities while acting like I don’t care because M was being a complete selfish asshole first, and the words really hurt to the core. But mine did to M too, and that made me so heavily guilty for so long. I kinda aimed right down to psychologically destruct M without heavy intentions, and M did the same to me. I’ve hurt people with words before and now days I’m just way more calm when conflict arises, so I don’t really burst out. Like I did those two times, which made me learn a lot about learning to control myself and become more realistic.

Usually I’m one of the two, depending on the circumstances. Most of the time I’m just straightforward with my words while providing some level of empathy. Sometimes, if anger is directed towards me I just try to diffuse it by providing empathy, acting like I don’t really care (when to an extent it’s uncomfortable sometimes) and being assertive.

Depression is scary to me. I felt empty for about three years straight. That was my experience with depression. But I got out of it resolutely, it’s the reason why I’m able to feel so much nowadays.

As for anxiety, two years ago was my peak. I was playing monopoly and suddenly couldn’t concentrate on anything. Watched a movie alone at the cinema, and really just sat there not really thinking, but couldn’t take in any of the storyline at the same time. Overwhelmed and numb at the same time. I remember walking in the city one time, feeling so fucking slow. Like in movie scenes, a montage of people walking pass you as you just stand there. That was how I felt in real time. That was my peak. Even my GP I saw for the first time during that time, he told me he still remembers the first time he saw me from two years ago recently. He told me that everything he said just didn’t really register with me the first time he saw me. He told me I was the most anxious person he had ever seen. I mean, in a way, it kinda showed in my case. As much as I seemed calm, I was also a bit rushed, and it showed in subtle but clear ways. My entire entity was shattering during that time. I had the empathy, for the first time, the potential of how someone could go insane. I was on autopilot, relying on soft and almost innocent music to get pass my days during then. It was regression, as big as the word seems. I felt like how I was like when I was younger listening to that music. I listened to music my younger self would have liked to get by — to alter my mindset.

letgo+tobegenuineineedtoallowmyselftobesofthearted+letgo